Dating FAQ

If this guy can have a dating FAQ, so can I.

1. Why are you still single?

I discontinued settling in 2012. 

2. Are you a feminist?


3. If you’re a feminist, why do you need a man?

I don’t need to do anything but stay black and die but I enjoy braiding a man’s leg hair while we watch Lifetime movies.

4. If we marry, will you take my name?

Probably not.

5. Why?

Because my legal name is only ten letters long and I am lazy.

6. Are you going to opt out and raise my children?

No but you are warmly encouraged to do so.

7. Is it true what they say about Haitian parents?


8. Can I talk dirty to you?


9. Are there limits to where I can talk dirty to you?


10. You are confusing and contradictory. I don’t understand.

I cannot help you with that.

11. Do I have to have a job?


12. Are you going to make me watch chick flicks?

Yes. And stop calling them that.

13. Do you cook?


14. Do you clean?


15. Are you going to write about me?


16. Do I have to spoil you?


17. Will I have to take the trash out and do all the driving and kill all the bugs for the duration of our relationship?


18. Is it okay if I make racist, sexist, homophobic or transphobic jokes because jokes are funny?


19. But my friends will say I’m whipped.

Get better friends.

20. Will you go on the pill?

No, will you?

21. Will you try and offer suggestions about my haircut and wardrobe?

Yes, of course. 

22. Can I do the same for you?

Treat yourself. 

23. Do you like to argue?


24. Do you like to win arguments?


25. Do you have weird ideas about how the refrigerator should be organized?


26. Can I watch sports and have the guys over?


27. Can my friends and I smoke cigars inside?

Hell no.

28. Are you buckwild?


29. Are you a bitch?

Some say.

30. What the hell are you looking for?

All I want is everything.