20 Things We Have Learned This Election Season
1. Lady voting is determined by hormones and ovulation. When we are ovulating, we vote for the sexier candidate and care not about political stances. Be careful on November 6, ladies. Be very careful.
2. There are gradations of rape ranging from forcible to legitimate to God-intended.
3. In certain kinds of rape, aka legitimate rape, the vagina/uterus industrial complex works magically to prevent pregnancy.
4. Global warming is the issue of which we dare not speak.
4a. See also: equal marriage rights.
5. $250,000 is a middle class income.
5a. 47% of all the people are a convenient target for dull banter during banquets for rich people eating cheap food.
6. If you cannot afford to pay for college, simply borrow money from your parents.
7. There is such a thing as a car elevator.
8. The best place for women is binders. If you are looking for a woman and cannot find one, get thee to a binder.
9. And speaking of women, they should leave work by 5 to prepare dinner for their families.
10. Aircraft carriers are large naval ships on which planes can land. They are protected by bayonets.
11. If you are sick, simply go to the Emergency Room, and all your needs will be met. You will not be turned away.
11a. If you are dealing with pregnancy complications, even better news! Modern technology has solved all your problems.
12. Faith, God, etc.
13. The amount of money spent on campaigns can now be measured in billions.
14. If you want to persuade someone, a useful strategy is to simply adopt their ideology temporarily and then reverse course as needed.
15. To demonstrate how you relate to the everyday man or woman, lower your voice, and tell the story of this one person who [insert sad story] you met, this one time, at band camp.
16. If you have no international affairs experience, saying, “My policies are the same as his,” is a viable option.
16a. Also, China. And Israel.
16b. All people in the Middle East can be conveniently referred to as “the Arabs.”
17. When appearing on Spanish-language television, wear extra spray tan, para aparecer como si eres una de la raza.
18. When in doubt, cite a five point plan.
18a. If that fails, direct your audience to a “website.”
19. Smart photo op idea:
20. AMERICA! What a country!
