Dear Whole Food Shoppers Who Act Like They Should be Congratulated
Congratulations on your commitment to “ethical” “organic” eating. Treat your body right and your body will treat you right. We’ll just pretend all the food at Whole Foods is organic which it mostly is if you don’t think too hard about the salad bar, hot food bar, and deli. Of course, you kind of negate your commitment when you pull up to the store in your huge SUV but I’m not here to judge so we won’t talk about that either.
I hate to break it to you but you are, in fact, simply shopping at a grocery store, not hanging out at a night club or country club. To be fair, I understand your confusion. There is a wine bar in the store for those desperate moments when you absolutely need a sip of Merlot before you can continue with the most quotidian of activities—buying food for your household.
Here’s a little known fact. When you cross the threshold of Whole Foods, you are not endowed with magical properties. You can stop shoving your nose so high in the air. What you’re actually doing is shopping at a store that tries to make you feel better about spending an exorbitant amount of money on food that only the privileged can enjoy with any regularity. There’s no shame in this but not everyone gets to shop at Whole Foods. Maybe acknowledge that once in a while.
Yes, fat people shop at Whole Foods. Staring is rude.
You aren’t impressing anyone when you harangue the staff about the provenance of the fresh buffalo mozzarella or the cranberry cous cous. Your intestines do not give one single fuck.
Don’t you think it’s a little funny that you spend up to fifteen minutes hovering over an olive bar? Does the ridiculousness of this ever cross your mind? Is your life going to be improved by a chutney stuffed organic Greek olive, that costs $2 an olive? Just once, I’d like to see you giggle as you purchase your olives. Have a sense of humor about your privilege.
Why are you only buying one, lonely carrot? Why are you even bothering? Carrots belong in bunches.
It is not necessary to talk so loudly about what you’re planning on doing with the food you’re buying. You’re not impressing anyone. It’s just food.
Shopping at Whole Foods will not get you into heaven. I’m sorry.
