2012 Olympic Predictions
The opening ceremony will be terrible or it will be great and England will be blamed.
Something about the Royal Family, Charles, William, Kate, and Harry, but not necessarily in that order.
The team uniforms from every country except Germany will be hideous.
Ralph Lauren’s stock will plummet.
Unknown designers will seethe and take to Twitter declaring, “I could have done better.” They will share examples of doing better via TwitPic.
An athlete who won a medal in 2008 will also win a medal in 2012.
An athlete who won a medal in 1996 will win a medal in 2012.
An athlete who suffered a crushing defeat in 2008 will also suffer a crushing defeat in 2012. They will be labeled a “choker.”
Something about a horse and Ann Romney and an inappropriate joke about Catherine the Great.
A very young athlete will do something remarkable.
A very old athlete will do something remarkable.
A very young athlete will crack under pressure.
A very old athlete will crack under pressure.
Another thing about the Royal Family.
Michael Phelps will win some medals. He will still be… Michael Phelps.
The rest of the U.S. swim team will seethe quietly.
A commentator will joke about body waxing.
When Serena and/or Venus Williams take the court in an Olympic Tennis match, the words Compton or attitude will be used.
An athlete who wasn’t expected to win a medal will win a medal and do something inappropriate during the medal ceremony.
Someone will run very very fast while others only run very fast.
Something about the shoes track and field athletes wear, particularly if an athlete has a custom running shoe in gold or silver lamé.
A commentator will make a vaguely racist joke inspiring hundreds of Internet “think pieces.”
An athlete from a small country few people have heard of, one that is landlocked with very little sun, will compete in an event and lose horribly but still be featured prominently during the broadcast as if they had won.
A commentator will use the words pageantry, bravery, guts, poise, and class but not necessarily in that order.
A commentator will speculate as to what Princess Diana, may she rest in peace, would have thought about the Olympic Games being held in London.
A gymnast older than twenty will defy credulity by competing and not having a coronary or breaking a bone.
The gymnasts who are younger than twenty will seethe.
An athlete will come out of an invisible closet. Anderson Cooper will be asked to comment.
A relative of an American athlete will suffer an untimely death and America will root for the athlete who will display bravery by competing through their grief.
An athlete will be injured and compete through the pain. They will be labeled heroic.
Something about a very obscure sport, the finer points, etcetera.
People will watch a sport like Table Tennis or Shooting and think, “Hey, I can do that,” making the Olympics very much like Jeopardy in how it enables you to feel like you can play from home. See also: Curling, Predictions about the 2010 Winter Olympics.
We will learn trivia about the Olympic Village and commentators will belabor the point that the world’s largest McDonald’s was built expressly for the 2012 Olympic Games only to be destroyed at their conclusion as a shining example of Western decadence.
We will learn trivia about every country participating in the Games. Example: The currency of Latvia is the lats or lati for plural.
Something about pins and trading.
Bob Costas will say things.
Bob Costas will smile at the camera. Bob Costas will smile with his dead eyes.
Bob Costas’s hair will never move.