Why I Want a Tiny Baby Elephant
I am immature.
I love tiny things. I especially love tiny versions of things that are normally large or large versions of things that are normally tiny.
The tiny baby elephant would always stay tiny, baby, and I would forever be reminded that my tiny baby elephant is a smaller version of something that is normally gigantic.
All my friends would be very jealous and want a tiny baby elephant too.
I would be able to take amazing pictures with my tiny baby elephant, posing it with various objects both in and out of my home.
I could take those amazing pictures and start a Tumblr called Amazing Pictures of My Tiny Baby Elephant and get a book deal.
My parents would maybe finally stop asking me about when I’m going to have a tiny baby human.
I could put my tiny baby elephant in a pet stroller like the old ladies in Florida put their tiny dogs in pet strollers at Target. People wouldn’t judge because they would be so amazed by my tiny baby elephant. I would say, “You can look but please don’t touch.”
I could travel with my tiny baby elephant in one of those pet suitcases ladies with tiny dogs carry on airplanes. Flight attendants would peek into the pet suitcase and say, “My goodness, is that a tiny baby elephant?” and I would say, “Why yes, it is,” and they would give me free alcohol for the duration of the flight and maybe even allow me to sit in First Class which would be ideal because I am rather tall.
I could give my tiny baby elephant a different name every day and it would remember all the names because elephants have long memories, even when they are tiny.
I could walk my tiny baby elephant on a leash and people would stop and stare and ask, “Is that a tiny baby elephant?” and I would say, “Why yes, it is!”
My human baby nieces could ride the tiny baby elephant for at least three or four years during which time I would be the Best Aunt Ever and they would love me best making my brothers and sisters in law very jealous.
I would make my tiny baby elephant tiny baby elephant outfits, some of which were coordinated with mine, and this would be our secret only it would be a public secret because when I was out walking my tiny baby elephant people would see how we match.
My tiny baby elephant would wear a lot of pink because pink is such a great color.
My tiny baby elephant would be a great tool for screening potential suitors. If a man doesn’t love my tiny baby elephant, he doesn’t love me.
It would be much easier to bathe a tiny baby elephant than a normal-sized elephant or any other animal. Once we got to know each other, the tiny baby elephant and I could even bathe together. My tiny baby elephant would maybe spray me with water from its trunk and I would laugh and say, “Oh, you.”
I would feed my tiny baby elephant tiny food items like baby corn and gherkins and hotel ketchup.
My tiny elephant would have a tiny baby elephant trunk and a tiny baby elephant tail and tiny baby elephant ears and tiny baby elephant legs and I would tickle all these tiny elephant parts while marveling at their tininess.